Holding Grudges: My Unofficial Side Hustle

Now, your girl… she can hold a grudge.I’m talking PhD with a specialty in never-let-you-forget. And I didn’t even think I did—until one night, I had a conversation with one of my best friends and my husband. They, not so gently but factually and lovingly, informed me that I do, in fact, hold grudges pretty intensely. (Thanks, guys, and yes, please insert eye roll, lol.) After confirming that fact with my wouldn’t-ever-lie-to-me sister, I unfortunately had to step back and take a good, long, hard look at myself. It was a moment of breakthrough, and honestly, it’s why it’s so important to have friends who aren’t afraid to tell you the truth in love. Accountability stings a little, but it’s the best medicine for a stubborn heart.

So, let’s talk about forgiveness. Why is it so hard for us Christians to forgive when we’ve been forgiven so freely by our Savior? I think part of it is this lingering desire for someone to acknowledge their wrong before we extend forgiveness. It’s almost like we’re holding our breath, thinking, “Just say sorry, and then I’ll forgive.” But what happens when that apology never comes? Are we just going to stay stuck in that hurt forever, letting bitterness grow roots?

In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus tells us the greatest commandment is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” Yet, here we are, struggling to forgive the very people we’re supposed to love. And let’s not forget Matthew 6:14-15, where Jesus says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Those are some tough words to swallow when we’re in our feelings, but they’re true.

Another big problem with holding onto a grudge is that it doesn’t just stay contained to the person who wronged you—it starts leaking into other relationships too. Suddenly, you find yourself being short with friends, distant with family, or overly defensive in new interactions. The bitterness you’re holding onto can cast a shadow over your ability to trust and love others freely. It’s like carrying around a dripping bucket of resentment; you think you’re just keeping it aimed at one person, but before you know it, it’s leaving stains everywhere you go. And those closest to you—who had nothing to do with the original hurt—end up feeling the impact. Forgiveness is a personal act, but the consequences of not offering it can ripple out far beyond just you. When I choose to hold onto offense, I’m the one carrying the weight, not the person who hurt me.

I heard a pastor say once, “You can’t forgive someone you think you are better than.” That one knocked all the air of indignation right out of me and hit me with a big ole, painful shot of humility. See, I never thought of myself as being better than anyone—but that phrase made me acknowledge that I do indeed sometimes view my behavior as superior to the person who wronged me. Like, I’d never do that, or I’d never hurt someone like that. And yet, the reality is, we’ve all done someone wrong at some point—myself included. But God didn’t look at me and my mess and say, “Well, Ashley, you’ve got to come up here first and admit everything you did before I’ll love you enough to put my son on the cross to wipe your slate clean.” No, He extended grace before I even thought to ask for it.

And honestly, that’s the kind of love and forgiveness we’re called to extend to others—even when it’s hard, even when it feels unfair, even when the apology doesn’t come. Because forgiveness isn’t just a gift to the other person; it’s a gift to yourself. It’s choosing not to let bitterness have the final word. It’s freeing your heart to love like Jesus did—even when it’s messy, even when it’s undeserved.

I’ve learned that sometimes forgiveness isn’t a one-and-done thing—especially when the offense cuts deep. It’s not always as simple as making the decision to forgive and then moving on. Sometimes, it’s a choice you have to make day by day or even moment by moment. There are days when the hurt creeps back in, and I have to remind myself all over again that I’ve chosen to forgive, to let go, and to trust God with the rest. It’s in those moments that I realize forgiveness is less about a one-time decision and more about a continual surrender to God’s grace.

I’m still a work in progress. But I’m learning that forgiving doesn’t mean I’m saying what they did was okay. It just means I’m letting go, trusting God to be the ultimate judge, and choosing to live in the freedom that He’s already given me. And trust me, that freedom feels a whole lot better than holding onto a grudge ever did.