Too Much

I want to start by saying I’m not shy. If you truly know me, you’d probably laugh at the very thought of it. I’m the person who will start a conversation with a stranger in the checkout line, cracking jokes or chatting about the weather. I thrive on people, love making people laugh, and can easily fill a room with energy. I’ve been called loud, bold, and sometimes “too much.”

But here’s the twist—while I love being around people, when I’m in a situation where I’m surrounded by new faces, especially people I’ll see regularly, I tend to clam up. I get awkward. It’s like a switch flips, and suddenly I feel small, unsure, and distant. The funny part? It’s not that I’m an introvert. In fact, I’d say I’m the complete opposite. I gain energy from being with people, and I enjoy being the one to crack a joke or lighten the mood.

So, what gives? Why, when faced with new people that I’ll see over and over, do I suddenly become shy?

Honestly, I think it comes down to a few things. For one, it’s all about trust. I’m a chicken when I don’t have someone I trust by my side. If there’s no one to lean on, to make me feel safe, I freeze up. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to new people or build connections, but I’m hyper-aware of how I’m perceived. I get caught in my head, worried about saying the wrong thing, or coming across too bold. I start to feel like I’m “too much” and that fear holds me back.

Another part of it? The fear of rejection. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still learning who I am, or if it’s tied to past experiences, but there’s something intimidating about putting myself out there, especially when I’m not sure if I’ll be accepted or embraced. Even though I may joke around and talk to strangers without a second thought, the vulnerability of really connecting with someone on a deeper level—building a relationship, especially with someone I’ll see again—is a whole different ballgame.

I think this happens to a lot of us. We’re outgoing in certain situations, but when it comes to those repeated, ongoing interactions with people who we know we’ll have to face again, the pressure to be liked, to be accepted, can be overwhelming. You can be the life of the party and still feel like you’re putting on a mask when you’re talking to someone you really want to connect with. It’s almost like there’s this invisible wall that goes up, and you don’t know how to knock it down.

But here’s what I’m learning: it’s okay to feel this way. You’re not alone in this struggle. If you’re like me—someone who thrives on people, loves to laugh, but struggles with letting your true self come through with new faces or in a more consistent setting—know that this is something you can work through. It takes time, it takes self-awareness, and it takes trust.

For me, I’m focusing on this in 2025: figuring out why I clam up in certain situations. What is it that triggers that fear of rejection or feeling like I’m too much? What am I holding onto in those moments that’s keeping me from being fully present? I’m learning that it’s okay to not have it all figured out. It’s okay to take my time and slowly build relationships in ways that feel comfortable, but also push me to grow.

So, if you’re out there feeling like you’re not shy, but still struggling to let your true self shine around people you’ll see regularly, I want to say this: It’s okay. You’re not alone. It’s okay to take your time, it’s okay to trust the process, and it’s okay to be a little nervous. Just know that the more you lean into the discomfort and the more you allow yourself to be vulnerable, the more those walls will come down.

And who knows? Maybe one day we’ll both look back and laugh at how silly we were for holding ourselves back from the connections and friendships we deserve.